By Danielle Hughes, MA, LPC, NCC
Ever have one of those days where you’re getting ready for bed and feel like you didn’t spend any time with your child, even if you just spend the past 4+ hours with them? Sometimes I struggle to feel like I’m really connecting with my daughter when we are together. I know the culprits: maybe I’m tired and really just want to zone out and scroll through facebook, or maybe my to-do list has 100 million things on it and so I’m focused elsewhere. Sound familiar?
I have found that when it comes to meaningful connections, I can’t multitask. Maybe it’s just me, I don’t know. Here’s what works for me. To be truly present to connect with my child, the phone is somewhere else, the TV is off, and I am usually on the floor (literally on her level) doing something that she picks. She knows that she has all of my attention. I can see it in her eyes, I can hear it in her jibber jabbering, and I can feel it in our interactions.
Maybe you are already really good at doing this, or maybe this would be good for you to try out. I’ve heard people call this “special time” with younger kids, or “dates” or “appointments” with older kids. It doesn’t matter what you call it, but that you get to have the quality time with your child that you desire and that they long for.
Here are some general guidelines: Agree on a time of day and the amount of time. Let your child chose whatever activity THEY want (providing that it is safe and appropriate). Do it, even if it’s not your favorite thing. Give all of your attention to them. Make it a nonjudgmental zone. Just enjoy them. Put up the phone, turn off the TV or computer. Do it the ‘old fashioned’ way. Shared experiences deepen relationships.